FEATURES » FUN WITH FRECKLES

Written by Mike Whittlesey, 07/01/2009

   My name is Freckles and I’m a news cat. It was a Friday. Some people would ask, because they are really observant, “How would a cat know what day of the week it is?”

   I knew it was a Friday because the staff at my newspaper, The Progress Review, was busy putting the finishing touches on yet another edition. I don’t like worrying about my newspaper on the weekends. Between naps and snack times, I usually have too much to do on Saturdays and Sundays. So naturally, I wanted my staff to get the paper done and be on their way.

   On this particular Friday, though, something was different. While I watched the staff work with my usual indifference, I noticed there was a special excitement in the air. As I listened closely and heard the word “Celebration” tossed about, it occurred to me that this must be the Festival of Trails weekend that everyone was looking forward to with great anticipation.

   The Festival of Trails is always a good time for me. Usually, the weekends are very quiet at The Progress Review. During the “Celebration,” as it is called by the locals, all kinds of people walk by the shop. And one of my most favorite things to do is to look out the window and watch people as they go by. Another thing that makes the Celebration weekend so much fun is all the food that is available for hard working cats such as myself. I very rarely turn down a meal and I have a special place in my heart for the very best treat in the whole wide world- a fat-free fish snack! With all the food vendors that set up shop on Main Street during the Festival of Trails, I don’t understand why no one offers any fat-free fishies to eat. They would easily be the most popular choice of food at the Celebration. Alas, there’s no accounting for taste buds.

   The very thought of my favorite delicacy naturally turned my thoughts to food. My heavenly daydream was rudely interrupted, however, when my staff finished their chores and headed for home. Have I mentioned that, as the newspaper’s Official News Cat, I am responsible for making out the duty roster each day? That’s right, every day I make out project pads for each member of my staff. Your average cat would find such a task overwhelming. Not me. I didn’t earn the title “News Cat” for nothing! With my superior observational skills and the ability to multi-task, I could think happy thoughts about fish snacks AND watch my staff check off the last of their things to do, all at the same time.

   Soon after the lights were turned out and the doors closed and locked for the night, I noticed the faint smell of... something very tasty. I couldn’t quite make out what it was or where it was coming from, so I cranked my nose up to its Super Sensitive Setting and investigated further. Sure enough, the old honker came through for me once again and I soon locked in on the source of the wonderful smell. It was a package of Kramer’s beef sticks! Did I happen to mention that I LOVE Kramer’s beef sticks? Kramer’s, if you didn’t know, is a shop across the street that specializes in smoked meats. When the wind is blowing in right direction, the air is filled with the most heavenly smells of yum!

   Thanks my nose’s Super Sensitive Setting I was able to sniff out the savory source that was triggering the Treat Alarm in my head. Such a subtle whiff of beef stick heaven would have escaped your ordinary cat. Not me. My Super Sensitive Nose is just one of the many skills I possess that make me worthy of the News Cat name. In addition, sharp teeth also help, as not even the heavy plastic wrap in which the beef sticks were sealed could keep me from locating them perched on a desk in the outer office. They must have been left there and forgotten by one of my staff members. Did I happen to mention I LOVE Kramer’s beef sticks?

   With a mighty leap and a substantial THUMP, I launched myself up and landed on the desk. The powerful springs in my legs gave me plenty of clearance as I soared up into the air, clearing the desktop by a comfortable inch and a half, landing right next to my target. Soon, the beef sticks would be mine- I mean, soon I would conduct an important scientific experiment on the food product that was collecting dust on one of my staff member’s desk.

   With a little nibble here and a little nibble there, I was soon past the plastic and into the good stuff! Oh, the taste of a smoky beef stick is simply frecktacular! By the way, “frecktacular” is a highly technical term that, roughly translated in dog speak, means “awesome.”

   I now interrupt this story to formally apologize to all my cat readers out there who already know the meaning of the word “frecktacular.” While I realize that it is repetitively redundant to explain the meaning of certain advanced terminology, part of my responsibility as a News Cat include educating and informing the vocabulary-challenged readers in my audience, which, as you probably know, includes 99% of all dogs on the face of the Earth. We now return to our regularly scheduled story…

   Now, where was I? Oh, yes, I had finished the first beef stick, savoring its heavenly flavor in less than one second. It then occurred to me that the three, poor beef sticks left in the package would dry up if left alone in the newly opened package. So, I did what any cat who places the needs of their staff above all else- I ate them! I simply couldn’t have my staff returning to work to discover a dried up beef stick on the desk.

   After finishing the package, my nose (which was still idling in the Super Sensitive mode), called my attention to another wonderful aroma. It was a second package of beef sticks! I quickly shifted into Game Hunter Alert Status. Game Hunter Alert Status involves crouching down low and spreading my ample, yet athletic body, out on the floor while simultaneously initiating the Yellow Alert Tail Twitch. The YATT, as it is called, is a timing maneuver that allows cats to leap on their prey at precisely the right moment. With a second package of beef sticks in the house, there was no time to waste. I immediately exploded out of my Game Hunter crouch, lifting myself high into the air to assess the situation from a strategic altitude. Okay, it’s true my back paws never left the ground, but you should have seen the sky walking my front paws did. It was quite impressive.

   Upon locating the alleged beef sticks, my cat-like quick reflexes kicked in and I executed a perfect no-paws landing. They were beef sticks, all right. While looking for a way to break into the package... oops, I mean inspect it for a “proper seal,” I noticed there was something different about these beef sticks. As I sniffed them, my highly trained nose got a tickle and my eyes started to mist up. It wasn’t long before a series of powerful sneezes overcame me and I had to back away from the package to regain my senses.

   Have you ever sneezed so much your head starts to feel funny? That’s what happened to me. Determined to complete my taste-test... oops, I mean “package inspection,” I administered first aid on myself.

   Pay attention, because I’m about to give you an important medical tip that relieves the pressure that can occasionally build up in your noggin, I mean nose. I’m talking about a highly complex maneuver that I call the “Ear Whap.” While it looks easy, the Ear Whap is actually a skill that takes years of practice to master. To execute an Ear Whap, I move my head back and forth at an incredible rate of speed, much like hummingbirds move their wings. The tremendous gravitational forces created by the powerful  movement of my head back and forth results in jostling my ears about, which, in turn, causes them to make contact with the side of my head. The result is a sound that speaks for itself: whap-whap-whap!.

   Thanks to my finely honed medical skills and a hum-dinger of an Ear Whap, I soon recovered and returned to the still unopened beef stick package. The label on this one was certainly different from the first package. Upon closer inspection, I discovered these beef sticks were created by someone who was important enough to have his name plastered all over the label.

   Who is this “Jalapeno” fellow and why is his name printed prominently on the beef stick package, I wondered. Pinching my nose shut with one of my paws, I used my teeth to slice into the package and sample the merchandise.

   Oh, the heavenly flavor that... HEAVENLY FLAVOR?! What was this spicy aftertaste that was burning in my mouth?! There was something terribly wrong with this beef stick. Forget the beef stick! There was something seriously wrong with my mouth! It was ON FIRE! I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breathe. I had unknowingly discovered a killer beef stick which, I hoped, would not claim one of my nine lives!

   I don’t know much about this Jalapeno dude. But this much I do know- his motor runs HOT. VERY HOT!!

   Faced with a medical emergency, I quickly looked around for help. It’s comforting to know that when you need to dial 9-1-1, there’s a friend on the other end of the line. In my case, the fire that was blazing in my mouth was about to be quenched by an old friend, my buddy, my lifesaver, my favorite bamboo plant. No, I don’t eat bamboo, though I’m told it’s high in fiber. This particular bamboo plant sits in a container filled with marbles and water. I make it a point each day to remind my staff to fill it with fresh water. Fortunately for me, my staff had followed my instructions, so my mouth and throat were soon calmed by the cooling powers of the bamboo water.

   As you may guess, my struggle with the killer beef sticks severely scalded my innards. I’m not sure if it was the rapid intake of the cooling waters of bamboo or the beef sticks themselves that were so upsetting to my stomach. Whatever the reason, my belly initiated what is known as an “Emergency Auxiliary Evacuation.” Since I was powerless to keep everything in my stomach where it supposedly belonged, I quickly scanned the landscape for the best possible crash landing site. It just so happened that Jalapeno’s package of opened beef sticks were right in front of me. With no time to spare, my stomach quickly and forcefully did what it had to do.

   Still dazed from my life and death struggle, I laid down on the floor to gather my strength. Before I knew it, the next morning had arrived and the sound of a key in the door lock perked me right up. It didn’t take long for my staff to discover the mess I had left... I mean the mess my stomach had made. I just knew they would be so pleased and proud of me for successfully conquering the killer beef sticks that they would happily overlook the mess on Jalapeno’s beef stick package.

   “Thanks a lot, Freckles,” the Editor said, with just a tinge of sarcasm, wrinkling his nose and glaring at me as he wiped up the mess.

   I couldn’t believe it. I had just saved my staff from an attack of the killer beef sticks. While they were out frolicking on the streets of the Festival of Trails Celebration, I nearly laid down one of my nine lives. Was this all the thanks I would get? I should have known there would be no gratitude for my courageous response to Jalapeno’s killer beef sticks. At least you, the reader, now know the real truth about what happened.

   My name is Freckles. I’m a News Cat. Please feed me.

SHARE: